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glitch

Fic: A Glitch In My Soul [4/7?]

Title: A Glitch In My Soul - Chapter 4 - Burn My Desires
Author: freakingdork
Pairing: Morgan/Reid
Chapter Rating: FRAO
Word Count: 2736
Summary and Disclaimer: please see chapter 1
Chapter 4 Warnings: triggering nightmares (sexual abuse)
A/N: I added a paragraph to chapter 3. It's not important in terms of plot, but I felt bad that I forgot entirely about a side character in the section about Reid hanging out with the other group members. There's no need to go back and read it; I just wanted to mention it in case someone else noticed and didn't say anything.

*****

Chapter 4 - Burn My Desires

*****

As he watched Spencer flirt, the pain and longing that flowed through Derek's veins nearly overpowered him. The woman had been quickly engrossed and charmed by Spencer’s magic tricks; making coins disappear and reappear highlighted his long, elegant hands, which Derek knew could be entirely mesmerizing. Derek wasn't surprised that Spencer was a natural flirt once he stopped thinking so hard and just threw himself into the water. The man was truly clueless of just how appealing he was.

It didn't matter that he knew being with Spencer would be wrong; something heavy settled in his chest, pushing down, down, down as the woman smiled happily at Spencer and passed her number across the table.

He quickly paid their tab so that when Spencer came back, they could just leave; Spencer didn't even try to argue and Derek was relieved. How could he explain that he was simultaneously happy and disappointed with Spencer's apparent success?

The next group meeting, he managed to confess his attraction to his “coworker” and nearly wept when he saw concern transfer into a glimmer of realization in Spencer's eyes. Thankfully, any emotion he displayed during and after the prayer was written off as God touching his heart by the rest of the group members. Spencer had seen right through him though, right through his bullshit, and it scared him more than he was willing to admit. While he had weighed the danger of sharing how he felt in such a public space, he truly hadn't expected Spencer to practically read his mind.

Despite knowing how Derek felt, Spencer kept asking him to hang out and worse still, Derek kept accepting. Jason didn't seem to notice, which was unusual, but Derek wasn't going to look a gift horse in the mouth. Among the other group members, it was an open secret that they were meeting up outside of group, but they collectively seemed loathed to say anything. The only person to mention it was Emily and her whispered “JJ and I used to watch movies after group” wasn't surprising in the least. The quiet reminder was all he needed to feel scared for himself and perhaps a little sick that it wasn't enough to stop him. Even though he knew he was playing with fire, every time Derek steeled himself for the question, he found his resolve buckling under Spencer's casual invitations. After awhile, Spencer didn't even need to ask; they settled into a routine of having dinner every Tuesday night and got together on the weekends whenever they could.

***

With all of the emotions Spencer was reawakening, Derek was expecting the nightmares; he wasn't expecting the frequency or intensity.

Buford featured prominently in all of them. Sometimes, Derek was a kid and he was simply reliving his past, but other times, Buford showed up at inopportune moments to casually remind him just how unacceptable his feelings for Spencer were. In perhaps the most distressing nightmare, he'd been blowing Spencer and then instead of Derek's lips wrapped tight around his cock, he was suddenly watching Buford sucking Spencer off, almost taunting him. Each and every time, he woke in a cold sweat with Clooney whining at the end of his bed.

It was exhausting to fight an invisible monster every night and he knew his work was suffering for it. At work, it was easily enough to explain away. Just before the nightmares began, there'd been a case . that haunted him. Derek didn't say why he wasn't sleeping, but his coworkers were at least intelligent enough to not ask.

Outside of work, he wasn't nearly as lucky.

***

“This isn't even a fair fight,” Spencer complains. “You're half-asleep! If I'm gonna win, I want to actually win fair and square.”

Derek sets the controller down and presses his palms to his eyes. While Spencer is clearly more skilled than him at Dead Or Alive, they're usually more evenly matched. He wishes his lack of sleep wasn't so noticeable because Derek knows Spencer is perceptive. The last thing he wants to talk about is how his past is haunting him with the man who's triggering it.

“Sorry, I haven't been sleeping well.”

“You wanna talk about it?”

“Just...nightmares. Work's been a little rough, but it's nothing I haven't dealt with before.”

“Must be pretty serious though. Have you gotten any sleep lately?” Spencer puts a comforting hand on Derek's bicep.

Derek shrugs slightly, trying to be as nonchalant about Spencer's hand as possible.

“You know, I used to have nightmares a lot,” Spencer shares. He seems to remember himself in that moment and moves his hand back to his lap; Derek feels cold where it had been.

“Yeah?”

“For awhile, I thought my dad was a pedophile and a murderer because he kept showing up in a nightmare, standing over a dead child behind the washer in my childhood basement.”

Derek knows the shock is plain on his face as his stomach flip-flops at the thought. “What changed your mind?”

“Talking to my mom,” Spencer says plainly, as if it's the only explanation needed. It certainly doesn't feel like enough for Derek, but he won't press the issue. “Do you want to talk about your nightmares?”

Derek shakes his head and thankfully, Spencer takes him at his word.

“Well then, you'd better get ready to lose again,” Spencer warns, picking up his controller and biting his lip in the most delicious manner.

“Over my dead body,” he replies, letting out a huff of a laugh.

***

They're in bed and Derek's a little hazy on how they got there, but as he watches Spencer finger himself open, Derek finds he can't quite bring himself to care.

“C'mon Derek,” Spencer whines, rocking on his fingers just above Derek's rock-hard erection. “You know you want to fuck me. Please, I'm ready for you.”

Derek strangles out a moan and gently grasps Spencer's hips, trying to signal his readiness. Long fingers stroke him, spreading lube on his cock before Spencer holds him against his hole. Slowly sinking down, Spencer tosses back his head in pleasure.

“Oh fuck that feels good,” Derek breathes.

“Can I...?” Spencer asks, leaning forward and lightly pressing both of Derek's arms down.

Derek nods; he feels safe enough and not just because he could break away at any second. There's something about Spencer that makes it extremely easy to trust him. Derek wonders if it's his earnest nature, but when Spencer presses down harder on his arms, speeds up the rhythm of his hips, it's kind of hard to concentrate on anything else.

“I'm so close,” Spencer gasps, his eyes screwing up in pleasure.

And maybe Spencer comes and maybe he doesn't, but that's when Derek wakes up alone with a mess on his hands.

***

Derek isn't sure the lustful dream is particularly healthy.

On the other hand, it's certainly nice to sleep, uninterrupted by his demons, all night long.

***

It was just a brief conversation with his partner, something that Lila probably thought of as unimportant banter. A remark about his recent “grumpiness” and how he needed to work it out with “a good lay” brought about an idea he was sure Lila definitely hadn't intended.

Having sex with someone, even a woman, was out of the picture, but making sure Spencer went on a date could be what he needed. If Spencer was distracted by a woman, maybe he'd stop tempting Derek by always being around and seeing him in a relationship might make it easier to accept that Spencer was not an option. Not that Spencer ever had been option.

Yes, a date. That's exactly what Spencer needed.

***

“Have you called her yet?” Derek asks a few days later.

Spencer barely looks up from his Pad Thai. “Hmm?”

“You know, Austin, the chick from the bar.” There's a part of him that absolutely hates having to say her name at all, but it's somewhat tempered by the fact that Spencer has possibly forgotten her entirely.

“Oh,” Spencer says, obviously flustered if the blush rising on his face is any clue. “No, I, uh...I've been too nervous, I guess.”

“Spencer, she was really into you.” Spencer is silent, so Derek continues, uncomfortable but determined, “Seriously, I could tell man. Like really into you.”

“I dunno Derek.” Spencer sighs. “It's not that simple.”

“Sure it is. I got a girl's number at the bar too,” Derek lies. He hadn't expected this to be such a hard sell and before he realizes it, he's saying the words that he'll likely regret for days to come, “We could do a double date.”

Spencer raises an eyebrow. “Why are you pushing this so hard?”

“C'mon man, I care about you. Of course I want you to succeed in living the life God has planned for you.” His chest feels tight as he says the words. It's true that he cares, but Derek knows he cares far too much in a completely pathological way. One of them needs to be successful in changing their lifestyle and Derek knows that after all the years of trying, it's unlikely to be himself.

Spencer sucks in a deep breath as if the idea is painful. “Ok, yeah, I guess we could do that.”

If Spencer is cold and distant the rest of the night, well that isn't Derek's fault. Not at all.

***

For a double date to work, Derek has to actually have a date and that's the crux of the matter. The problem isn't that he's unable to meet women - they tend to gravitate to him naturally - but rather that he doesn't want a date who's going to expect something from him at the end of the night. While he really only sees one viable option, it's a risky choice; Derek honestly doesn't know if he's hoping she'll say yes or no.

***

“C'mon, I just wanna help the kid,” Derek says as he sits down across from her at her dining room table.

Jordan shakes her head. “There is no way I'm being your beard, especially not so you can 'help' some guy turn himself straight.”

“You owe me,” Derek states, wishing he'd done this over the phone instead of visiting her house; then he wouldn't have to see the mixture of frustration and pity wash over her features. “It's just an hour, maybe two at the most. That's nothing compared to the Thanksgiving weekend I pretended to be your 'boyfriend' a few years back.”

“Derek, that's not...the same.”

“It's still lying Jordan,” Derek argues. “Besides, you're the one who has told me time and time again that it's not fair to get some nice woman's hopes up when I'm not fully healed.”

Jordan frowns. “No, I believe my words were 'when you're not attracted to them' because you don't need...”

“Stop! Just...don't, ok?” he pleads.

“I wish you would come with me to my church,” Jordan says. “It's even Baptist too.”

“You can hardly call it that when they won't help me there, not like Central. I need help with my condition and so does this kid.”

Instead of arguing that point, Jordan's face contorts a bit. “Oh shit Derek...you like him.”

“What? No,” Derek lies. Looking away probably doesn't help his case, but he won't stand the concern in her eyes. “No, definitely not.”

“How old is he?” Jordan asks impatiently and he can tell from her tone that he can't get out of answering her.

“Twenty five.”

“Yeah, he's only four years younger than you and you're calling him kid? You're trying distance yourself from him.”

Derek knows she's right, but he'll never admit it. “That is so not it,” he says, rolling his eyes and hoping she won't push the matter. Derek stands up from the table. “This was clearly a waste of time...I'm not even supposed to be talking to you.”

Jordan stands too, as if she might physically stop him from leaving. “No, wait. I'll...I'll do it.”

“And you won't tell him how we really met?” Derek asks.

“Oh come on, I'm sure he'd love to know your date isn't even all that interested in men,” Jordan teases before her face turns serious. “I'm not dumb Derek. So what is my story?”

“I met you at the same bar as his date.”

Jordan looks skeptical.

“What? He had his back to me,” Derek explains. “He won't know the wiser.”

“Heaven help us.”

***

The movie was thrilling and the restaurant's mood was low-key, so Derek figures the double date is going well, at least for the women anyway; Jordan hasn't said anything embarrassing or revealing and Austin appears to be enjoying herself. So what if he feels like he's drowning and Spencer looks mildly uncomfortable about the whole affair? That's to be expected for men who haven't dated women in years or really...ever.

While there's no way Derek's going to leave Spencer and Jordan alone, he can't stop Jordan and Austin from going to the bathroom together.

“So uh, Jordan seems nice,” Spencer says, picking at his salad, but finally breaking the silence. “Where did you say you met her?”

The truth is on his tongue and it nearly slips out before Derek catches himself. “At the bar, while you were talking to Austin, remember? I guess you didn't notice, huh?”

“Oh, oh, right, I remember you telling me now,” he says, sounding mildly suspicious. “It's just...”

“What?”

“It seems like you've known her a lot longer than that.”

Derek hopes the nervousness doesn't show on his face; he had assumed Spencer wouldn't be able to pick up on little cues, but it seems that he'd underestimated Spencer. Again.

“Well, unlike you and Austin, I've been talking to her on the phone. I mean, I had to make sure she knew that...certain things were non-negotiable.”

“Such as?”

“Church. Traditional values. Not asking about my past. I mean, really Spencer, you should have done the same with Austin,” Derek chastises.

“Well, maybe if you'd given me more time between calling her and this...date, I could have.”

Before he can reply, Jordan announces their return, “What are you boys talking about?”

“Probably us,” Austin teases.

“I knew I should have left my tape recorder on while we were gone.”

Spencer's face twists into something that might have been embarrassment, so Jordan adds “I'm kidding!”

“Says the...journalist, right?” Spencer asks.

“Yep. Didn't think you were paying attention.”

“Trust me, I pay attention to a lot more than people give me credit for.”

“Geez guys,” Derek interrupts. “If I didn't know better, I'd think you two were on a date.”

“You know it's pretty rare for me to go for his type,” Jordan replies and Austin nearly chokes on her water.

“Well, lucky for Derek, you aren't my type either,” Spencer says with a shrug.

“Don't worry about it Spencer. I am totally okay with that. No hurt feelings here,” she says, clearly trying not to laugh.

And that's when Derek waves down the waiter to ask for the check; that's bordering on too close to a conversation he really doesn't want to have.

***

Ignoring Jordan's phone calls after that little stunt is definitely not childish.

***

The thought that Spencer knew he had lied kept Derek up at night for the rest of week. It wasn't a malicious lie and he hoped that Spencer would at least recognize it for what it was - an attempt to help someone whose recovery was more likely to be successful than his own.

The next time they saw each other, Spencer didn't seem to be mad at him. Perhaps he'd misread the situation between Jordan and Austin or maybe he was overestimating Spencer's ability to catch his bullshitting or maybe Spencer really didn't care.

Either way, Derek was probably more thankful for that than he really should be.

Comments

I'm really enjoying this story so far. :)
Thanks!
me

November 2013

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