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Fic: What Came Before [1/1]

Title: What Came Before
Author: freakingdork
Pairing: Morgan/Reid
Rating: FRM
Word Count: 1314
Summary: Lila’s words have an effect, but there’s certain things Reid doesn’t know about Morgan. Set between 2x5-2x12.
Warning: references to past abuse
A/N - This is part two of a series; part one is All The Things Unwinding. It could probably stand alone, but I think it'd be better if you read part one.

*****

"Just tell him," had been the last thing Lila said before he left LA. "Your job is dangerous and you'll hate yourself if something happens before you kick your ass into gear."

It's something he strongly considers until Elle shoots an unsub and subsequently leaves. Thinking back on their conversation over hotel liquor, Spencer gets caught up in thinking about how they failed her - how he failed her - and any thoughts about his personal life seem quiet in comparison.

The thought resurfaces with a vengeance though. During a case in Seattle, Morgan risks his life to comfort a woman he doesn't even know and Lila's words come rushing back; Morgan's selflessness and bravery are among the many reasons Spencer fell for him in the first place. Such a blatant, if unintentional, display of those qualities makes it difficult for Spencer to concentrate on anything else.

He ends up telling Morgan about the things Gideon said to Professor Kent because he can't find words express his own feelings. When Morgan smiles, bright and genuine, Spencer can almost pretend he's the reason for Morgan's happiness.

Almost.

***

Most nights, Derek gives Reid a ride home from work. People assume his motive is purely altruistic in nature, but really, Derek is just plain selfish. Yeah, Reid doesn't live in the greatest neighborhood and yeah, Derek is definitely overprotective of Reid, but Reid can take care of himself and mostly, Derek just likes the company.

And if it means that occasionally they end up watching a movie at Reid's apartment, then all the better.

So it's not weird that they're doing just that after a case in St. Louis. It's not even strange for Derek to put his arm around Reid on the back of the couch. But Reid flinches and then stiffens like he's been caught with his hand in the cookie jar. It's not the first time either; it seems to be happening more and more and it's unsettling.

"Man, what's with you lately? You're so jumpy."

Reid turns to him, worrying his bottom lip with his teeth. "I guess...it's...I've just been thinking...a lot, like more than normal...and...umm, it's complicated but also not? And I don't know if I should even tell you because you might..."

"Pretty boy, just spit it out," Derek says, making sure to fill his voice with warmth and affection to ward off Reid's nervousness. "Whatever it is, it'll be okay."

Reid takes a deep breath before blurting out, "My feelings for you are not entirely platonic."

Later, Derek will tell himself that it wasn't what he was expecting Reid to say, but that's not quite the truth. He's seen the way Reid looks at him, so he knows; he just thought Reid would continue to avoid talking about it. And sure, Derek feels similarly, but what to do with those feelings is a complex issue.

"Me too," Derek says calmly despite the war raging inside.

He can't help smiling when Reid's jaw just about drops to the floor.

"So. Just relax. We can talk more about it this weekend. Right now I just want to finish this movie, okay?"

Reid nods and then settles his head on top of Derek's chest.

***

When he said he wanted to talk on the weekend, Derek had really thought that maybe they'd say a few words and then make out on the couch for the rest of the afternoon. He was not expecting to be grilled on a variety of matters. Let it never be said that Reid wasn't thorough or unprepared; Derek was pretty sure he'd taken time during the week to practice asking about numerous kinks with a straight face.

And he can see when a light goes off in Reid's head, stopping his nervous pacing around the room.

"I'm sorry, I've really been assuming that...have you ever had sex with another man?" Reid asks, sitting down on the couch next to Derek.

Derek shakes his head; rape isn't sex, it's a power play. So no, he hasn't had sex with another man.

Reid considers his answer in a way that sets Derek on edge. "What have you done with another man?"

"Kissing," Derek replies because that's as far as he and Rodney got. Everything else is tainted and sick with the abuse, so he never considered doing...any of that...until now.

"Oh," Reid says and the look on his face means his brain is quickly recalculating. "I guess I should have started with asking you that first? I'm sorry for assuming."

"It's fine." He picks up Reid's hand and gives it a light squeeze. "Watching you ask me about underwear kink was kinda cute."

Reid tackles him and Derek has a moment of uneasiness - on his back, a man looming over him - before he snaps out of it and grins.

"I guess we'll start with kissing and go from there?" Reid asks. When Derek agrees, Reid adds, "And the second you realize you don't like something, you have to tell me, okay?"

Derek agrees with this too, despite not being sure if it's a promise he can keep.

***

Things end up being better than Derek expected though. Sure he feels uncomfortable in certain positions, but if Derek repositions them, Reid lets him. Reid doesn't thrust up into his mouth and doesn't hold him on his cock until he can't breathe. When Derek tries to deep throat him, Reid stops him and tells him that while it feels nice, it's not necessary. Handjobs are easier when he looks at Reid's face.

But when Reid teaches Derek how to finger him and prepare him for anal sex, he's dumbfounded.

"It doesn't have to hurt?" Derek asks, feeling far away.

"Of course it doesn't. People wouldn't do it if it hurt." Reid grabs the bottle of lube. "I can show you if you want," he says, his voice dropping an octave.

Derek shudders and jerks away from Reid. He can feel his cock, which had previously been very interested, going flaccid. As he feels himself slipping away, Derek glances around the room, trying to locate his clothing and formulate the quickest way to escape.

"No. It always hurt. Always. I won't do it again."

Derek doesn't realize he's spoken the words aloud until Reid scrunches up his face in confusion. Before Reid can say anything, Derek interjects, "I don't want to talk about it."

Reid's eyes widen and Derek wishes he'd never asked why Reid was so jumpy, much less agreed to watching Reid finger himself open.

"Okay." Reid stands up and grabs Derek's underwear from a pile of clothes, tossing them to him. "Just...stay? I'll be right back."

Which doesn't make sense in Derek's brain until he hears Reid turn on the sink.

Reid comes back in a fresh pair of underwear and sits on the edge of his bed. “I’d understand if you want to go home.”

“No. I want to stay,” Derek says and takes a deep breath. There’s a part of him that wants to run, but he knows that’s not going to help how he feels in the moment and it’s certainly not going to change how he feels about Reid.

“May I hold your hand?” Reid asks.

Sleep doesn’t come easy that night, but holding Reid’s hand in his makes it just a little bit easier.

*****

Two weeks later, when they go to Reid's apartment after returning Chicago and the news starts reporting a story about a leader of a youth center being arrested, Reid turns off the TV and leads Derek to bed.

In the dark, Derek doesn't cry, but he does bury his face against Reid's shoulder and simply says, "He hurt me."

Reid stays quiet, but Derek’s pretty sure he’s waiting for him to say something, so he adds, "I still don't want to talk about it."

"Okay."

Comments

This fic is very moving and so beautifully written!
I know you wrote this quite awhile ago, but I just wanted to thank you for you comment. It means a lot to me. :-)

Edited at 2013-09-25 04:56 pm (UTC)
me

November 2013

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